GOD BLESS THIS MATATU CONDUCTOR WITH TRIPLETS!
Just before this last one, I forgot to share about this boda boda I had in Nairobi last week who was ferrying me to Nairobi West who told me how it was easy to know people who were dating/having an affair from the look of their eyes when they were placed in the same place either by circumstances or by choice.
The details are so many and his story will be told another time. We all know it is the boda boda people who led the husband of the lamb to where she was being prepared for sacrifice by the Pastor in full glare of TV last month. I do not like seeing them around my house since then. I do not know their employer. It could be Lydia..
But really that was not new to me as I know it to be a fact so I did not talk about it last week. Let me go straight to my number 44 Kondele- Kenya Re matatu experience of a lifetime that made matatu travel so much spiced that I see no point of leaving matatus this year..
So we board the matatu at United Mall with a number of passengers including two ladies who sit with me at the back. The journey begins as we collect more excess passengers along the way depending on their size and ability to be the excess passenger who sits on the ‘sambaza’ seat which is a wooden plank placed between the seats at the aisle...
The ‘pesa hapo mbele’ announcement is made and we begin to get our fares ready for peace sake and everyone dutifully pays the 30 bob fare until the two ladies seated with me decide to spoil the peace in the vehicle. One of them defiantly pays 20 bob while the other gives 100 bob expecting to have 20 bob deducted.
The mau mau begins..
Manamba: (with great humility) Madam, ongesa pesa tafadhali gari ni thirty bob.. tafadhali tusizushiane kwa gari jioni..
Madam wa Mbao: Siwezi lipa 30 bob! Kwani nilienda tao nikitembea? Nililipa mbao nikienda tao na ndio nalipa tena saa hii…
Madam wa soo moja: Ehe! Hakuna mambo ya 30 bob hapo! Gari ni mbao na usilete ****** wewe manamba… (She has clearly forgotten that she already paid her fare using 100 bob whose change has not been given back yet)..
Manamba: (very calmly) madam, tafadhali ongeza kumi hapa… gari ni thirty. Wacheni kisirani kwa gari
Madam wa Mbao na Madam wa soo: nye…. nye …..nye…… nye…… nyef …. Mew.. mew… mew …nyef ….nyef …nyef…. nyef…. And many other 14672 words for the next 5 minutes while all of us are quiet having paid 30 bob anyway…
Manamba: (passing the change to the madam wa soo) haya madam, chukua change yako…
once the lady holds her change which she cannot count without holding the manamba tells her,’’Nimekupa 60 bob hapo, huyo rafiki yako anakuongeza 10 bob”
That was a stroke of genius I must admit! I wanted to laugh and literally pass out but my risk evaluation system told me the two ladies could have squeezed me out of the back seat with a coalition verbal and physical beating. So I decide to take my newly acquired Jesus and shut my mouth and laugh inside me so hard my liver is turning blue.
Lady wa Mbao (clearly outwitted by the Manamba does not say a word after the declaration that she is the one holding the 10 bob meant for her friend) is abnormally quiet for someone who had been holding the defending champion trophy for the loudest voice in Kisumu just under 5 minutes before.
Lady wa soo turns to her and says with an outstretched hand ,’’Owacho ni imeda ten bob donge?’’ (He has said that you owe me ten bob huh?)
Lady wa mbao rummages through her handbag and gets her old friend 10 bob. I say old friend since they do not talk to each other for the rest of our peaceful journey to Lolwe.
Manamba after we alight,''Dereba nyonga gari hapa turudi taon!"..
I am walking through the estate rehearsing the prayer I was going to make to God for the manamba..
Father in the name of Jesus, The God of Abraham, Isaac, Abednego and Arody Himself.
Father I come before you this evening with tired feet full of dust from the land of my ancestors.
Father you know I have just come from my rural home with 'gik ma olos gi lwet dhano'*
(this is the point where someone in the room should be belching loudly and speaking in tongues)
Baba! You saw how those women allowed the devil to use them to strain the young conductor in the matatu and you also know how I wanted to laugh and pass out if not for my Guardian Angel warning me of the consequences.
(Here is where another person should be saying something like 'kuris jachien!' louder than my prayer)
Thank you Lord for sending enough charging into his brain and enough airtime in the mouths of the two ladies.
God I must tell you this young man used the charge you placed on his brain so well and also the ladies did well with their airtime.
(Somebody screams 'amen' at this point)
Lord Jesus, you know what I want to ask even before I finish rehearsing this prayer. May the Good Lord of twins, triplets and quadruplets shine His light upon this young man so that he may reproduce many more like him tonight when he tries to fill the earth alone.
All this I ask in the name of Jesus our Lord.....
This is where Naz, Nyathi Maber interrupts me with a phone call telling me,''hebu pitia kwangu on your way please''
May the Lord of twins bless that Manamba with triplets even if he does not ask.
The details are so many and his story will be told another time. We all know it is the boda boda people who led the husband of the lamb to where she was being prepared for sacrifice by the Pastor in full glare of TV last month. I do not like seeing them around my house since then. I do not know their employer. It could be Lydia..
But really that was not new to me as I know it to be a fact so I did not talk about it last week. Let me go straight to my number 44 Kondele- Kenya Re matatu experience of a lifetime that made matatu travel so much spiced that I see no point of leaving matatus this year..
So we board the matatu at United Mall with a number of passengers including two ladies who sit with me at the back. The journey begins as we collect more excess passengers along the way depending on their size and ability to be the excess passenger who sits on the ‘sambaza’ seat which is a wooden plank placed between the seats at the aisle...
The ‘pesa hapo mbele’ announcement is made and we begin to get our fares ready for peace sake and everyone dutifully pays the 30 bob fare until the two ladies seated with me decide to spoil the peace in the vehicle. One of them defiantly pays 20 bob while the other gives 100 bob expecting to have 20 bob deducted.
The mau mau begins..
Manamba: (with great humility) Madam, ongesa pesa tafadhali gari ni thirty bob.. tafadhali tusizushiane kwa gari jioni..
Madam wa Mbao: Siwezi lipa 30 bob! Kwani nilienda tao nikitembea? Nililipa mbao nikienda tao na ndio nalipa tena saa hii…
Madam wa soo moja: Ehe! Hakuna mambo ya 30 bob hapo! Gari ni mbao na usilete ****** wewe manamba… (She has clearly forgotten that she already paid her fare using 100 bob whose change has not been given back yet)..
Manamba: (very calmly) madam, tafadhali ongeza kumi hapa… gari ni thirty. Wacheni kisirani kwa gari
Madam wa Mbao na Madam wa soo: nye…. nye …..nye…… nye…… nyef …. Mew.. mew… mew …nyef ….nyef …nyef…. nyef…. And many other 14672 words for the next 5 minutes while all of us are quiet having paid 30 bob anyway…
Manamba: (passing the change to the madam wa soo) haya madam, chukua change yako…
once the lady holds her change which she cannot count without holding the manamba tells her,’’Nimekupa 60 bob hapo, huyo rafiki yako anakuongeza 10 bob”
That was a stroke of genius I must admit! I wanted to laugh and literally pass out but my risk evaluation system told me the two ladies could have squeezed me out of the back seat with a coalition verbal and physical beating. So I decide to take my newly acquired Jesus and shut my mouth and laugh inside me so hard my liver is turning blue.
Lady wa Mbao (clearly outwitted by the Manamba does not say a word after the declaration that she is the one holding the 10 bob meant for her friend) is abnormally quiet for someone who had been holding the defending champion trophy for the loudest voice in Kisumu just under 5 minutes before.
Lady wa soo turns to her and says with an outstretched hand ,’’Owacho ni imeda ten bob donge?’’ (He has said that you owe me ten bob huh?)
Lady wa mbao rummages through her handbag and gets her old friend 10 bob. I say old friend since they do not talk to each other for the rest of our peaceful journey to Lolwe.
Manamba after we alight,''Dereba nyonga gari hapa turudi taon!"..
I am walking through the estate rehearsing the prayer I was going to make to God for the manamba..
Father in the name of Jesus, The God of Abraham, Isaac, Abednego and Arody Himself.
Father I come before you this evening with tired feet full of dust from the land of my ancestors.
Father you know I have just come from my rural home with 'gik ma olos gi lwet dhano'*
(this is the point where someone in the room should be belching loudly and speaking in tongues)
Baba! You saw how those women allowed the devil to use them to strain the young conductor in the matatu and you also know how I wanted to laugh and pass out if not for my Guardian Angel warning me of the consequences.
(Here is where another person should be saying something like 'kuris jachien!' louder than my prayer)
Thank you Lord for sending enough charging into his brain and enough airtime in the mouths of the two ladies.
God I must tell you this young man used the charge you placed on his brain so well and also the ladies did well with their airtime.
(Somebody screams 'amen' at this point)
Lord Jesus, you know what I want to ask even before I finish rehearsing this prayer. May the Good Lord of twins, triplets and quadruplets shine His light upon this young man so that he may reproduce many more like him tonight when he tries to fill the earth alone.
All this I ask in the name of Jesus our Lord.....
This is where Naz, Nyathi Maber interrupts me with a phone call telling me,''hebu pitia kwangu on your way please''
May the Lord of twins bless that Manamba with triplets even if he does not ask.
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